Let’s face it kids. There’s good burlesque, and not so good burlesque. You’ve seen it. You’ve wanted to ask for your money back. Bad music, boring awkward performers, lackluster performances….

Not everyone likes the same thing, but here’s a few things that some of my peers and I have discussed.

1. Get a name and make it yours. Make it unique. If you are trying to rip off a more famous performer than yourself with your name, you suck. I’m sorry, but you do. I’m sure you think you’re being clever, or somehow it will make you seem more interesting, but unless you’re an interesting performer, it doesn’t matter what your name is. Also, make sure you can get away with your name. NO ONE but Ultra could pull off that fucking name, because he’s Ultra fabulous. If your name has the word “Sassy” in it, make sure your are, etc.

2. If you decide to be a peeler, please look at yourself from all angles in the mirrors.
*Cut off your tags please!
*Please gussy up your underwear a bit. Sears panties look bad.
*the tinier the better! Hottie McNaughty and I were having a conversation the other night about this. She’s not into the thong, but she is into butt cleavage. I’m a big fan of tiny thong underwear. We both agree that there should be some element of risque in your panties. Maybe they just fit really well….hug your delicious curves!
*Wearing a corset every act can be boring.
*Wearing ruffle butt panties every act can also be VERY boring
*Wearing black fishnets every act is annoying. There are different colors of fishnets and stocking and socks and cute things for your legs!
*you don’t have to have tassels on the pasties. Not twirling? Don’t worry about tassels!
*just because you might be a bigger girl doesn’t mean you have to wear huge granny panties. For a great reference, please go to youtube and watch videos of Dirty Martini. I want to do Dirty things to Dirty Martini. She’s simply fabulous.

3. HAVE STAGE PRESENCE!
Sorry, you can’t buy this. Granted, not everyone has me on their favorite burlesque gal list, but I’ve been told since I was 15 that I had amazing stage presence. What I’ve witnessed over the years of being obsessed with watching live performances, is that you can’t buy it. You either have it, or don’t. This does not mean that having stage presence will make your act especially interesting unless you make it so. Conversely, I’ve seen amazing dancers have no stage presence, and unfortunately, maybe they should just teach. It’s that French je ne sai quoi thing, ya know?

4. If your going to do the “Classic” strip tease thing, at least be really good at it. Practice, practice, practice!I recommend watching videos of Catherine D’Lish, and then perhaps considering giving up altogether (joking. Kind of).

5. Emote! Ladies, please stop with the Cock in the Mouth face (CITM) throughout your whole act. It looks icky. Try smiling! Try closing your mouth! I personally suggest practicing face expressions in the mirror while mimicking your act to the music. This is how you will find out if you are a culprit of CITM.

6. If you are embarrassed to be on stage, we will be embarrassed for you. This makes an awkward situation. If you can’t be fierce when you step on the stage, (Nerves are normal-I have to do funny breathing and talk to myself before I get on stage) THEN CONSIDER STAYING OFF THE STAGE UNTIL YOU’RE READY. Go take some great classes from some of the greats, like Miss Indigo Blue, do some soul searching as to whether you’ve really found your calling and then stick to your guns.

7. Be courteous. BE ON TIME! sure, sometimes you have to be late, but either prearrange it or have your producer on speed dial. There are a few chronically late performers in this town, and they are fucking with the start times of shows. So be on time! And producers: start punishing.

8. Do your damn hair please. Okay? Thanks. This means brushing, curling, pinning setting etc. Your costume DOES INCLUDE your hair. Invest in quality wigs if your hair won’t do what you want it to. I learned that the hard way. Miss Indigo Blue was so good as to point that out to me.

9. MAKEUP: if you aren’t wearing eyelashes, I’m disappointed in you. Actually, a lot of us are. We can’t see your pretty eyes from back here! you look unfinished! If you are uncomfortable wearing makeup, perhaps you are in the wrong art form. Perhaps you should consider a different avenue. Take a makeup class. More is *usually* better on stage. Even stage actors, and performance artists will employ the use of a lot of makeup. Making your face pop while staying true to yourself is totally possible. Just watch the blush. *shudder*.

PS: yes, I do think you do need lipstick and liner. It makes the occasional intentional CITM face look amazing.

10. Shoes. Yes…..we are looking at your feet. And some of your shoes are ugly. Chunky heels are a little outdated, depending on the look your going for in your act. Practice walking in your heels. Spend a day in them! Get a drag queen to teach you her walking tips! Watch Showgirls!

*this does not include those of you trained dancers that use ballroom or character shoes. I get it, they’re more sturdy for the awesome stuff you’re about to do. -Just remember-rhinestones and appliques can totally go on shoes too. Spice em up!

11. Watch a ton of burlesque. Submerge yourself in it. Swim in it! Breathe it.

12. You don’t have to have a ton of money to put into your costume (though it is nice), you need to pay attention to how it fits, and the tiny touches, the embellishments and alterations. It’s how it looks, not how much it costs. But unfortunately, I’ve seen some acts that just look cheap. If you’re no good at putting together a costume, hire someone to do it for you, ask another burlesque gal for advice. Seriously, it’s better this way.

13. If you can’t get past your body flaws for the 3 minutes you’re on stage, none of us are. If you’re walking on the stage thinking about how chubby you feel, it’s going to show on your face. You’re going to look uncomfortable, and that’s when people are going to go to the bar or grab a cigarette. True story.

14. Don’t get hammered before or during your show. I’ve done it before. It aint pretty, and you are ripping off the audience. *silently apologizes for some past actions as a baby burlesquer*

15. If you can’t twirl, just don’t. Please. Unless it’s for the funny. Then go for it!

16. Community is important. Try to be a part of it! Some of us are outspoken, and some aren’t. We’re all in it together though, and most of us are thrilled that there are others that are interesting in this fun, sexy, raunchy art. Being a part of community allows you to make your own decisions about what is important to you. You might think I’m full of shit, and this is your prerogative. These are simply the opinions of one glittery burlesquer.

And Added By Hottie McNaughty:

16. If you’re interested in performing at a venue or continually running show, how about attending the show and supporting it? As a producer, it’s always a treat to see performers support the shows!

17. If you’re lip synching, please make sure you’re aware of it. Have it be a part of your act and not a nervous habit.

18. Enough with the black and red already! PLEASE choose an interesting color combination. You’re on stage! It’s your moment, don’t disappear on stage wearing all black. Also, bright colored costumes make it easier for the pick up artists!

19. Unless it’s a specific to your act, try not to look like you’ve just rolled out of bed and decided to get on stage. As Sydni mentioned above it’s not just all costume. Hair and make-up are important finishing touches.

Originally posted on myspace.com and then linked in http://bloodrhinestoneproductions.wordpress.com/2008/11/04/what-to-do-and-not-to-do-as-a-good-burlesque-performer/