Determined to Suck is my experiment in letting myself create and display art that is not perfect in an attempt to loosen the bonds of my perfectionist nature that has plagued me since childhood and rears its ugly head in my performing career. I chose painting with watercolors because it’s cheaper than a lot of things, I love color, and my husband has a lot of art supplies.
Resting is hard. Doctors orders are hard. So I cheated. An intense ab workout while watching Supernatural- I mean, who can resist Sam and Dean? I’m feeling so fidgety…
I spent a whole day wanting to dance, to go to the gym, to do something physical. A dog walk wasn’t enough. I can’t wait to get back to business tomorrow. Rehabilitation of even the most common issues is a son of a bitch. Take it from me, take very good care of your bodies. However, it might not be enough- for me it wasn’t.
I remember when I started on my body journey- after years of ignoring my body after significant knee injuries in high school- how much I just wanted to look better. 50 pounds overweight, heavy smoker and drinker, sports induced asthma, anemic…. Quickly it morphed into getting healthier (because you rapidly become aware of how in shape you are, all shortness of breath and extreme soreness from doing almost nothing) . But now it’s to get stronger. To rehab my body back into something that not only feels awesome to be in, looks awesome to me when I run around my house naked, but also functions properly, all it’s ligaments and muscles playing a harmonious symphony. I suppose I’m looking for balance.
Years ago I swear I would have killed to look like a Vargas girl, all soft curves, flowing hair, nipped waists and bedroom eyes. And perhaps there’s a part of me that still does because I sometimes flip through my Vargas book for inspiration. But over the last few years, watching the state of the world, and the state of women, my perspectives have changed into something else. Something that not only looks powerful to me, but also FEELS powerful to me. Strong. Warrior-like. In the last few years I’ve been on a quest to take my power back. From the men around me that talk poorly about women, from a culture that tells me that I should want to look different than how I do (or want to look), and from the web of social media that numbs us from looking inside.
I’m doing pretty okay on the first two. The third one is still a bit tricky. As an entertainer, sometimes you feel like you might not exist if you don’t use social media to it’s highest potential. For much of it though- we’re all shouting into the void.
Sitting still, looking inside your own void takes a lot of guts. For a long time our perspectives are skewed, kind of like the body I managed to paint of my Vargas girl interpretation. Sometimes there’s a mark, like the one I tried to cover up with white around her mouth, but it persists even when you try your best to hide it away. Like watercolors- it bleeds through.
I suppose for now, I’m just dealing with what is bleeding through- and instead of using methods to cover it up, I hope I can follow my own advice and let it breathe a little bit. Imperfection is tough work. I need more of being still. We all need to stare into the void and witness and deal with whatever comes up.