Determined to Suck: What is my Worth?

*Determined to Suck is my experiment in letting myself create and display art that is not perfect in an attempt to loosen the bonds of my perfectionist nature that has plagued me since childhood and rears its ugly head in my performing career.  I chose painting with watercolors because it’s cheaper than a lot of things, I love color, and my husband has a lot of art supplies. 

I didn’t know what to paint today. A friend suggested I paint the feeling of being successful on stage, so I painted this:


Please note the cheesy roses and decadent fancy curtains. Universe, take note….

My performer ego and vulnerabilities are on high alert- I have 4 shows this week.  Like any performer, I love to be loved and I want to do well. To give a great show- to be “worth” the monies and appreciation I’m shown. Lord knows I got a lot to work out here. I’m not retiring my shitty art projects any time soon, y’all.

While I was cleaning up my mess and then cooking I found myself listening to the amazingness that is Alan Watts on Youtube. Now, I haven’t listened to a lot of his stuff, but holy shit was he a performer. A philosopher- with a voice of gold. If you have 30min I  suggest you listen to this piece.

I breath life when he says “you mustn’t be afraid to play the wrong notes….just play something!” Well, I have 4 performances this week where I hope I will pull the trigger when it comes to playing the wrong note vs. not playing a note at all. This is especially pertinent to my more free-flowing gigs and my vocal performance with my band. That being said- I always do pull the trigger, but maybe now I’m really hoping that I go for it. You know- take it all the way. 😉

If right now in this moment I was offered a well-deserved standing ovation or a few hundred dollars, I would take the ovation. Surely there’s a way to have both, but seeing that money is an illusion (listen to the piece before arguing), the value of that ovation is simply beyond measure.

In a world without money, and a deep knowing of our own worth and connection in this world- I wonder what I would create. Surely I would still be a performer, but would it be different? So today and for all my todays I will continue to implore myself to be fearless. And to bang on a hell of a lot of wrong notes.

I have more thoughts but not enough time….


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