Trigger warnings abound: racism, misogynoir, discussion of assault claims  

Working in Burlesque as a Black woman has repeatedly shown me that what white people (most of them women) say about me is far more important than who I actually am, how I actually conduct myself, and have contributed to this industry. Being in white folx good graces (i.e.doing what they want) can only afford you some safety. This safety is illusory. People will believe folx because they have a crown and privilege, which will stop them from ever listening to me. 

A Black woman taken down by the white people around her is a story as old as time. Sure, the methods of annihilation change, but all these stories have to do with a lie, and the occurrence of white people screaming into the rafters that only what they say is valid. Then we see performative people type on their screens “listen to Black women” for hearts and shares. These screams move mountains, and silence and destroy Black women in the process. 

Words change lives. Words can ruin lives. And they destroyed mine. 

Have you ever been lied about so much that your life shatters into a million pieces? That you no longer know who you are, what reality you exist in, or who your people are? 

It’s time to write about what it feels like and what happens when you are accused of a crime you didn’t commit. I think this is a story you all need to know about because if you are in the entertainment industry- this happens when friendships blur the line between business and pleasure- and when rumors are spread, it destroys lives.

This story involves many of you (especially in NYC) as well. The events of this story ruined my career, my ability to make money, and that of others as well. The last four years cost me my health, both physical and mental. The accusation cost me my reputation, incited a national NY Post article, and removed hundreds of people from my life. 

This story contains 3 (three) cease and desists, and 2 (two) lawsuits. In those lawsuits, I sued Evelyn Vinyl (they/them), Nina La Voix (they/them), Medianoche (she/her), Boo Bess (she/her), and Dolly Debutante (she/her). 

Rumors can kill. What people will do once armed with rumors will destroy entire lives and even companies. A rumor ruined my life, and almost killed me. 

This story is long, because I am covering four years. It contains links for you to see and follow. I have refrained from posting photos, though I have them, and they were provided to my lawyer.

I’ve been silent about my well-being and what my side was in all of this. The complicated answer to that is that for years now, I haven’t been okay but I haven’t been able to talk about it. While tied up in the legal battle, I became silenced as rumors flew around me. It felt like I was forever being told to “wait”. I was in a lawsuit trying to defend my integrity, but with hands tied- this character assassination had decimated my reputation and life. 

There were casualties: multiple people’s careers, an entire company, venue relationships, shows, and numerous friendships. The whisper network took care of that. The whisper network that everyone in this industry loves to participate in, loves to see people burn- never seeing the full effect. 

Firstly- I think it’s essential to let you know that the legal matters have concluded. 

The first lawsuit I filed, which was against Medianoche, Boo Bess, and Dolly Debutante, was filed (after Cease and Desists were delivered) in December 2018 and was settled on October 20, 2022. Neither party is allowed to discuss how we concluded the negotiations except for (1) the fact that we dismissed the litigation and entered into a confidential settlement agreement; and (2) any facts related to the settlement or dismissal that were publicly disclosed.

This includes a statement from the defendants in a public stipulation, which can be found here: 

https://iapps.courts.state.ny.us/fbem/DocumentDisplayServlet?documentId=d5BVI7wlyZrT5Z/J5EpOtA==&system=prod

The statement says: “Defendants acknowledge that Ms. Deveraux obtained a default judgment against Lauren Sison in a separate litigation. Defendants do not wish to be further involved in any dispute regarding whether certain statements by Sison about Deveraux were true or false. Defendants regret being involved in this dispute and the harm that it has caused.”

The lawsuit I filed against Evelyn Vinyl and Nina LaVoix (in Arizona) concluded with a default judgment in my favor against Evelyn. Evelyn evaded the suit, and didn’t show up to defend themselves. As a result, I was awarded $20,000, which I intend to collect. I also sued Nina LaVoix for spreading the accusation to Spellbound Burlesque’s Maxi Millions in Arizona- whom I was booked with- and Vancouver International Burlesque Festival, which dropped my contract without discussing it with me. I have records of Nina’s conversations with Spellbound and VIBF (as well as my emails with Vancouver Burlesque) and causing me to lose work.  In legal terms, this was “tortious interference with contract” and “defamation.”

https://www.docketbird.com/court-documents/Deveraux-v-Sison-et-al/AMENDED-COMPLAINT-against-Lauren-Sison-Christina-Nina-Duryea-filed-by-Sydni-Deveraux/azd-2:2018-cv-04882-00023

(*As an aside- Nina tried to evade payment for weeks, had to be hounded by my lawyers and eventually, Nina’s father paid the debt. Had he not delivered, we would have had to sue them again.)

The date that this alleged assault happened was 11/1/15: when Evelyn Vinyl and I had consensual sex in a hotel room after a Halloween gig we both performed in. 

I was falsely accused of sexual assault by Evelyn Vinyl (Lauren Sison). Their story and behavior changed throughout time in an escalating manner. Four people, Medianoche, Boo Bess, Dolly Debutante, and Nina La Voix, thought it their business to spread this lie. These are people I thought were once my peers and my friends. I cared about and loved these people. After all, we’d been performing together for over four years by the fall of 2018. I know other people are involved (I am aware of who many of them are), and their participation in the story makes them complicit. .  

To have my sexual conduct with another person become other people’s “business” and be gossip fodder is… soul shattering. Mentally damaging doesn’t even begin to cover it. If I could continue to afford therapy, I’d be in it now, trying to remove the shroud of trauma and disgrace that seems to have created a veil between me and thoroughly enjoying life.

Before this, I had been traveling worldwide headlining various festivals, performed at BHOF several times (winning two awards- 2nd and 1st runner up to queen), and was voted in the Burlesque Top 50 multiple times, with that year (2018) landing me at #15. I was producing Bathtub Gin and House of Deveraux as shows under the wings of Wasabassco’s event network. In NYC, I sometimes performed up to 5 times a week, and I was thankful and thriving. I was booking performers that I admired, that I found delightful for audiences to enjoy, and surrounded by peers with whom I felt a kinship. I loved so many of these humans. I saw many of them multiple times a week or month- my entire life revolved around burlesque- this art form I have deeply admired since my beginning in 2005. 

As a result of these performers using this  lie to tank my 14 year career, they were able to take a venue and a show that I was running 3 shows/week for 4+ years. Bathtub Gin was my and Wasabassco’s “meat and potato show” (consistent income). It decimated my livelihood. I loved performing there. 

People want to believe the best in their friends. The few ties I have to people that know these women have been complicated, as they want to see the best of these women but have also seen the effect of these behaviors and rumors on my life and mental state. It took two years to claw my way out of a deep suicidal depression. I even had to escape from NYC because simply walking outside around the public would trigger such intense terror and anxiety in me that I was planning to be one of those poor souls that step in front of a train on a busy afternoon. I had to be medicated throughout. At night I thought through the many ways I could kill myself, at one point, I darkly joked about writing an ABC book of death- 1000 ways to kill yourself. It sounds dramatic, but wanting desperately to die is a dramatic and seemingly effective solution to experiencing horror.

I need you to know that being accused of a crime I did not commit has irrevocably changed my life. I have experienced an evil act. It has shifted how I look at people as a whole, and how I perceive people behave in this industry. It immediately changed how people dealt with me, as you can imagine. 

I lost everything due to the accusation, and the lies told around it– lies explicitly about my personality, the incessant doxxing, and activities to support it. It felt like overnight, I became a pariah in NYC, and within a few months– worldwide as well. 

THE BEFORE TIMES

I moved to NYC from Seattle, my hometown- in 2014. Before my move, Wasabassco brought me into the city as a performer. During that time, I gelled with Wasabassco’s producers, Doc and Nasty, forming a loose friendship with Doc especially. While  preparing to move to NYC for my husband’s work, I reached out to Doc to see if there could be any considerations in performing with their productions, and Doc did better by asking me to join their production team, since I already had years of production work under my belt. This was an exciting venture- I didn’t know how I would land in NYC but was given a way. 

Through performing and slowly producing more with Wasabassco, I met Evelyn Vinyl (they/them). They were a core cast member and Nasty’s dearest friend in the scene. Since Evelyn was a core performer, this meant, like a few others, that they were in most of the productions that Wasabassco put forward. Evelyn was a solid performer, so I was happy to have them on my roster. We got along lovely, and over time that peership turned to a friendship and included lots of flirtation. If I’m honest, I didn’t take the flirtation seriously at first, since this is burlesque and people often exercise their flirtation muscles around other naked people because of the environment created both backstage and after shows. 

Evelyn and I saw each other multiple times a week, forming this friendship, a friendship good enough to have them invite me to their bachelorette party (couldn’t attend) though I attended their  March 2015 wedding. Just prior to this wedding flirtations had increased, and as I understood it, like my own marriage, theirs was one that was not monogamous. 

In April 2015 we did a naked photoshoot in my apartment with both the photographer and my husband in attendance. We shoot rolling around on a mattress in a wrestling scene covered in baby oil. Some of you have seen those shots, some of you even bought the extremely NSFW set. We were comfortable around each other and the shoot was super fun. There continued to be flirtation, as there usually can be on porn shoots with models who are attracted to each other. 

We slept together on November 1st, 2015 in the early am after a Halloween Gig at the Nomad Hotel. We had all been drinking champagne. The interaction happened naturally, with us both coming together to have sex, there was nothing extraordinary about its start- prior to the interaction we were taking pictures in bed, cuddling (yes there’s pictures) and hanging out. There was another person in the room, Dolly Debutante- who was sleeping when we had sex. This part upon reflection during this whole ordeal was an issue- we had done what so many of us do in party situations that is not something I would ever do now. Dolly did not have the opportunity to consent to us hooking up and that fault is on both Evelyn and myself. 

(That Dolly was in the room is an important piece of information- later you’ll see in Dolly’s resignation email that she did not know about the alleged assault until right before she quit?) 

Early the next morning we needed to leave the hotel room before the checkout time that had been granted to us as a staging spot for the show. We all take different cars home and shortly after getting to my apartment I tell Doc that Evelyn and I had hooked up (Doc was my best friend at the time and had witnessed loads of flirtation throughout our relationship), and then Evelyn and I spent the rest of the day bantering back and forth, exchanging dozens upon dozens of texts in flirtation. (Yes there are phone records, I provided them to my lawyer.)

The day after that in the evening I received a message from Evelyn’s husband Jordan indicating his happiness that Evelyn and I had finally hooked up and that Evelyn indicated their enjoying the interaction immensely too. The conversation was relatively brief, Jordan and I were on good terms, having multiple interactions with him at the shows he would attend to support their spouse.

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/s5romg0yctng5y8/AACBzAScB-LGrjNoQ4AtbvEOa?dl=0

For the weeks after, things continue as normal. We see each other throughout most weeks, performing, flirting and posting photos hanging out backstage together, photos taken of us together and interacting online as well. We continue to communicate via text. 

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/ognq3xtdrn53q20/AABNbRUIVIX_8xP-cSadWOJxa?dl=0

January and February 2016 come and go and we make attempts to hang out but there is a disconnect. I later found out that there had been an issue between our phone providers in delivering texts reliably (iphone to android issues). I had already indicated to Evelyn that I was interested in more than a friendship with them, and though that idea was reciprocated back we just didn’t make that work. Schedules were also not in alignment and both our performance and work schedules were quite busy. We continued to perform together often, be friends after shows and there was no discordance in how we were relating, though I did figure the window for anything beyond friendship had passed and that was that. 

In late February of 2016 I began hanging out with Luna TikTok (they/them), another performer, and we fell madly in love, beginning our relationship. In late February through the end of March there isn’t much interaction between Evelyn and I, in fact we aren’t even in the same shows during this time (travel for me had picked up a bit, and Evelyn was planning their move).

In May of 2016 Evelyn threw a going away party in anticipation of their move to Nashville, and I am one of the people invited. I respond with the affirmative and check-in to make sure it’s alright if I am there with Luna. They affirm that this is alright and that they also had invited Luna as well. 

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/w9iu66gpe878dgi/AADCgJRlWRDRSctKQT1wXk51a?dl=0

Evelyn moved to Nashville in May 2016 and after that we only performed in three more shows together, two in September and one in November of 2016. Prior to those shows we text very little, but there is contact- mostly of the “hey how’s getting settled there?” and at one point they invite me to stay with them as a friendly guest if I happen to come to Nashville. These shows were busy and there was a lot to do, but I noticed Evelyn being distant. I assumed that this is due to feeling somewhat disconnected after a big move, but I did sense that there was something more to this. 

In March of 2017 I reached out to Evelyn via email to check-in and see why they were distant and seeming upset with me. I do not receive a response. 

April 2017 Evelyn returns to NYC to perform with us at Wasabassco and makes it extremely clear that they do not want to interact with me by ignoring my hellos and removing themselves from any space I was occupying that night (There were 3 green room areas at City Winery so this was extremely easy to do). 

From April 2017 through September of 2018 we do not see each other and we do not interact. I did hear a rumor that Evelyn had told people that I had bullied them into leaving NYC, which is absolutely outrageous. If that was the case, why did Evelyn keep myself, Doc and Nasty apprised of their plans to move virtually every step of the way? 

In September of 2018 they visited NYC and attended a Wasabassco show. They come backstage after being invited by Doc to do so. Since by this time I know that Evelyn has some sort of issue with me, them coming back stage is upsetting and I remove myself to another green room. I indicate to Doc that I am upset and ask for him to remove Evelyn. They then have a conversation that Doc relates to me that Evelyn has told him that our interaction in the past was “basically assault”. Evelyn relates to Doc that there’s nothing to be done in this situation save for making sure that we are not in the same shows. Doc relates this to me and I am horrified and I want to reach out to Evelyn. I am told to refrain. And so I do. 

In Fall of 2018 all of this shatters my world apart. 

The bomb that was waiting to explode for months went off in my life on October 18th 2022 when I woke up to two emails from Boo Bess and Dolly Debutante accusing a producer (me) of the sexual assault of a peer. When these emails are discussed in a phone call with Doc, he informs me that they are talking about me. In an instant I feel like I am taking crazy pills- my reality has shifted within minutes. 

A SLOW, PAINFUL DESTRUCTION:

I can’t say for sure what day Medianoche, Dolly Debutante, Boo Bess and Nina La Voix decided they were going to step on this path of annihilation. But I do think it was early in 2018 when Boo started to secretly vie for Bathtub Gin. Perhaps for each of them it was a different day, but we noticed things were rapidly turning toxic when in particular Boo Bess and Dolly Debutante were refusing to promote their appearances at Bathtub Gin in the late summer of 2018. There had already been issues with Boo around what she perceived to be issues within the tipping structure at Bathtub Gin. We (Wasabassco) asked both of them to correct their conduct (that had been previously agreed upon in booking emails outlining the terms) and credit Wasabassco for the gig- and Dolly complied. Boo behaved frigidly, ignoring the request, then going back to her IG posts and then when we inquired as to why– she seemed to have a problem with our request, she sent the accusatory email. By the time the email got to us, we were all blocked as well. 

Quickly after, within moments Dolly quit as well, repeating the claim of abuse. 

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/lvqluqtxfwoh9b8/AAAB5ZyF4FmD1kg_-7T1fDwNa?dl=0

What I didn’t know until the morning of the emails was that the night before Evelyn had called Nasty to tell her about the accusation. Apparently Doc had not discussed anything that had been communicated to him with her. I find this lack of communication between Evelyn and Nasty particularly wild considering that Evelyn and Nasty had been considered besties in the industry during this time. In hindsight it was extremely calculated to communicate with Nasty at this time (the night before the emails from Boo and Dolly)- and we were told that Boo “asked for permission to tell” us about this accusation prior to her email to us. We find out later that they had known about this accusation for some time. An accusation that had apparently been floating around since 2017 or even earlier for all I know, it’s been hard to source that particular bit of information. At this point in 2018, Evelyn and I were not in contact and I didn’t know that they had changed their claim about our consensual encounter to anything beyond that until Sept of 2018. I did not know that this claim had escalated to sexual assault until October 2018. 

And since this person would not speak to me, I did not know what to do with it. What do you do when you’re accused of something that you didn’t do? I agonized over this story. What the fuck happened? 

Doc again reached out to Evelyn and they said that they did not want to speak to me and refused to speak to Doc any further as well. Though it had been made clear that they gave permission to Boo to communicate her knowledge of this. Doc also had a call with Dolly Debutante who recorded the phone call without consent. 

Performers in the subsequent hours and days of the 2 (two)  initial emails quit performing for Wasabassco and its associated productions. We received email after email after email. Almost immediately our performance roster was decimated and we wondered how we could adequately curate shows to any of our standards and needs. I personally had calls with particularly 2 (two) performers that this industry calls icons- both encouraging me to admit what I had done, and one even admitting to committing a past transgression as some sort of horrible solidarity. The other told me to turn to facebook with an apology. I will never forget these women’s calls. These were women I had once looked up to and considered friends. 

When we received this onslaught of emails from more performers- the three of us (producers for Wasabassco) met up to discuss how we wanted to proceed. I thought it was important to communicate to the people we worked with the most (and importantly the folks we had booked in the immediate future) what was happening and that we were trying to figure out what was going on. I believed in transparency. Some people took our calls. Others said they were too busy to talk. Others flat out ignored our requests to communicate with them. More “resignations” poured in, so we knew they were communicating to their friends, since it was first from the performers that Boo and Dolly were closest to. It then spread to fans and performers outside of burlesque. 

Through the first couple weeks we tried to talk to various performers on the phone. We heard then that people considered us trying to communicate with people about what was going on, and what went on between Evelyn and I as trying to “control the narrative” instead of what it was: trying to communicate with people about what was going on so that they could make decisions as to whether they were going to keep their gigs with us, how we were trying to address it, and my side of the story. No one would tell me exactly what Evelyn had said, despite insinuating that they had heard it far before that fall. Damned if we do communicate, damned if we don’t, I guess. I tried to talk to as many people as I could on the phone and these were some of the most humiliating, horrifying and devastating conversations I’ve ever had in my life. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  At some point I just shut down completely and couldn’t have any more of them. I still don’t know what the right choice was in communicating. I don’t think there is one when situations like these arise. I think it’s why people just end up disappearing. 

I learned that no one was actually interested in hearing the truth- they only wanted to act on outrageous rumors and pile onto them. I had seen this in other situations I had witnessed online…and now it was happening to me. And it felt like being in stop time inside of a horrible car accident where the car is tumbling on a busy highway, you can’t stop it and you know you’re going to smash into the concrete rail. 

During this time I was still performing while everything was burning around me. Put on a brave face. Do my job, try to make the income that I could. More gigs were canceled. Some performers chose to stay on, and they were distant but kind, others that were extremely close to Medianoche especially took it upon themselves to gossip about other sexual assault claims happening in the the aerial performance world around me to make me feel isolated and traumatized. They succeeded (I’ll never forget the look in your eyes as you did this, Ivory). 

As the flood of exits happened, I had an in person conversation with Medianoche and she communicated what she claimed Evelyn had said about our encounter. I tell her that Evelyn is lying and that it isn’t true. I offer to show her corroborating information I have proved otherwise- text records and a message from Evelyn’s then husband communicating with me just hours after we slept together. She tells me she doesn’t want to see it and that it “doesn’t matter what I say or do” because “we believe the victim”. I’m told by Medianoche that “they” want me to “step down”. I tell her that I’m not guilty of anything and that I will not just roll over and die because “they” say so. She proceeds to tell me that she’s now “rethinking all of our past interactions” and that no one would believe what I had to say. I perceive this as a threat. Before this time (I find out later) Medianoche communicates with my ex-partner Luna about the accusation seeking to pull up dirt on me. She was not only unsuccessful, but Luna communicated their experiences with me being very positive ones despite our (at the time) unhealed parting. 

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/qjta7nm4unb7chm/AACi3gqEF2-1_iRynA4xaHjWa?dl=0

(*A side note here to note is that Evelyn told these performers that they had talked to Doc about the alleged assault long prior, but this is not the case- Evelyn did not speak to Doc about any of that, at least that is what was told to me. Evelyn lied about the entire assault and also talking to Doc about an assault having taken place prior to their in person interactions in 2018.) 

In subsequent conversations with Luna, they have communicated that this conversation between Medianoche and them was traumatic. Luna had communicated to Medianoche that they wanted to be updated and communicated with and Medianoche did not. When a person reaches out and recklessly communicates (“would love to tell you about”)  with past associations, this can create a lot of damage, damage that could be perhaps avoided with a lot more responsibility. Later, my relationship with Luna would be used as an example of my being “predatory” and “proof” that I slept with performers in exchange for work which is horrifying- the work that Luna had with Wasabassco was often not in my productions (which was intentional as we sought to separate our relationship from work), and they earned it on their merits alone.  

It’s also worth noting that at no time did Evelyn communicate with Luna that there had been any issue with our time spent or relationship, which I consider wild considering that they were friends. If a person I had been involved with had abused me and then had been involved with a friend of mine (or my friend was showing interest in them), I would warn them.

What’s even worse perhaps is that I found out through this conversation I had with Medianoche that this piece of information has been traveling through the “whisper network” for almost two years. Medianoche had apparently known this bit of information for TWO YEARS. Two years of her and others smiling in my face and stabbing me in the back. NO ONE told me this story was out there, no “friends” approached me about this or asked me about it out of concern- not until Medianoche, Boo Bess and Dolly Debutante, Nina La Voix and others chose to act on it in their various ways. These people in NY worked with me, taking tens of thousands of dollars of work from my associates and I. They acted as if nothing was wrong with me for all of this time until they felt it was time to take what they wanted (Bathtub Gin). If this claim was viable- why didn’t they immediately leave or make waves? Where is the integrity or morality in any of their behavior? 

This is precisely how you find out exactly who your friends are. This level of betrayal continues to disrupt my sleep and my ability to be vulnerable with the people who surround me. 

Medianoche then also insists to Doc and Nasty via text that I be removed from Wasabassco. She and the others had decided to be judge and jury about the situation they actually know nothing about. They were not there. They are acting on hearsay. It seems very clear that at this point they are gunning for me and for Wasabassco as a production to go down. 

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/aanbdoisext315k/AACVWwsXJnVMiXB6gqIUK150a?dl=0

*note: 11/1/2014 was daylight savings. It was morning, but it was dark out. 

In late October I  traveled to New Orleans to meet up with a friend and fellow peer to perform a block of bookings. Prior to the trip I communicate with her about what is happening and my concerns and desires to postpone the trip. She convinces me to still meet her, fulfill my gigs and be supported by her. I am forever thankful for her love and support during this trip. She witnessed everything that was happening, the phone calls, texts, emails and my beginning to communicate with lawyers to try to stop the madness exploding around me. Our trip was supposed to be one of fun and bonding but instead she made it clear that she was able to hold space for me and my trauma. She prays with me while I am weeping in the quarter, she hugs me when I’m terrified to let anyone touch me. 

October 29, 2018. I’m still in New Orleans. I received a message from Frankie Fillmore with Spellbound Burlesque in Arizona, a gig I was booked to do in January of 2019. They tell me that they’ve heard the accusation and so they are canceling my appearance with them. I am horrified and shocked. I never spoke of this gig except once backstage at Bathtub Gin. It becomes clear that things are spreading like wildfire nationally. 

I reached out to Maxi Millions– the other producer, a woman who I once mentored and taught over the years, a woman who I thought was my peer and friend- and she never answers me. My friend also reaches out and Maxi refuses to communicate. This was and is par the course throughout this situation. When I tell you that people are unwilling to communicate even when lack of communication could potentially ruin someone’s life, please believe me. I have witnessed it first hand. I thought these women were reasonable because I had such positive interactions with them in the past, but clearly I was so very wrong, and instead I have realized that people often operate through their own trauma, which it turns out- perpetuates trauma. I was just so heartbroken. 

I found out later from a subpoena to Spellbound that the rumor was spread from Nina La Voix, who out of the malice of her gossipy heart decided to spread the rumor. I even had the horror of getting to read the facebook messages. Spellbound refused to share information until legal subpoeanas made them do so. Getting this information cost tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees. I had to use the legal system in order to try to understand what was happening because no one would be adult enough to communicate with me. 

https://www.dropbox.com/s/ccou48sm7h5n52z/BetweenNinaAndMaxi.pdf?dl=0

Spellbound then gave the exact gig to Medianoche. 

Around this time I’m working on a contract with VIBF to headline their festival in 2019. I don’t know how exactly the word is spreading, I don’t understand what was said and who is saying what, so I decided to not mention this situation to the festival because my livelihood is now in jeopardy. Contracts are signed and I am announced. I don’t get to keep the gig for long because word gets to them also through Nina La Voix (I have these messages as well) and they cancel my appearance. VIBF cancels my appearance- publicly. They did not need to do that, but they chose to involve themselves in this situation based on gossipy messages from Nina on fb. Instead of being adults they refuse to communicate exactly why and refuse to uphold their end of the contract. They did offer to pay me my fee in exchange for signing an NDA which I refused. As far as I’m concerned they still owe me my fee. And it’s wild that they chose to believe the words of a person not even involved in the situation at hand over having communication with a Black woman before they made their decisions- which seems in conflict with how they portray themselves to be as a festival. I need you to know that they discussed canceling my contract with Nina– and never asked me what was going on. 

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/le7jh55j69y6b27/AAA1xuyDiEp-9kbHDO0qpWm6a?dl=0

It feels crazy-making to have your life dismantled predicated on a lie. It is so very intense to have to use the legal system to untie the knots of a gross story that has affected my life for years now. Nearly every day or few days there was a call or email from my lawyer, messages obtained are read and discussed, new rumors about me are cycling. I wanted the legal system to rip my life apart- to rip everyone’s life a part to get to the bottom of this. To make everyone talk and communicate. To prove what they were telling people. “Fucking subpoena everyone”, I thought. Dig into all the phone records, look at all the pictures, scour all the social media and emails, I really didn’t fucking care- fucking do it. Since no one would communicate with me- communicate with the fucking legal system if you can’t be an adult. 

I consider what these people have done to go out of their way to wreak havoc in my life as an act of violence. I want to be extremely clear about that. They had every opportunity to stop this, and they never did. After all, they did get what they wanted- Bathtub Gin to run themselves, and me out of the way. Knowing that they were acting for months prior (texts between Boo and the owner of BTG Dave) solidified my knowledge that they deeply hated me (while smiling at me to my face) or at the very least resented me for being in charge of the shows that I was. White folx really don’t like it when a Black woman is running…anything. 

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/jtwd62ey3uy8th2/AAAUZWSxCA2pkqnbvgozfjz1a?dl=0

None of this should have ever happened. Having people decide to enact their own forms of “justice” when they have no right and also while the information is incorrect is flat-out cruel, opportunistic, and is an indication of their true nature on this planet. The idea that as a person who has false allegations pressed upon them cannot then seek legal action in order to defend themselves and their livelihood is ludicrous. The entire time I’ve had legal help they’ve used the story that I was retaliating against them, when the truth is- I’m entitled to defend myself from harm. No one else was willing to defend me, even though they knew the truth and were around Evelyn’s and my friendship- and very few people were even willing to listen to me. 

“This is burlesque!” “how dare you sue!” “It’s so skeezy to hire a lawyer” they have said- And I say FUCK THAT.. It is also my JOB, my LOVE, my muse and my LIVELIHOOD. 

I would seriously consider giving up my ability to dance just so that these 5 humans could feel what they did to me. How it strangles your bones and mind. How it sits like a weight in your body. Terror for months, the sense you are going mad, like you’ve been thrown into a different reality where no one knows you or believes you- where no matter what you say or do, people neglect you. I wished so hard to have everyone who refused to interact or treat me with any respect- to those who talked out of the sides of their mouths backstage at shows and in dm’s to feel for just an hour the amount of frustration and despair, so that they don’t continue to perpetuate this amount of not caring for another human.  

As a black woman in a white supremacist country and performative industry (let’s be very honest here) I felt like I had no other recourse in defending myself. And if there were other ways- please enlighten me on what they were. I am thankful that I had access to be able to- so many others don’t have this resource. 

NOVEMBER 2018:

During this time we find out from management at Bathtub Gin that Boo and Dolly had been trying to take the show and venue for quite awhile.

DECEMBER 2018: 

In the days before we lost Bathtub Gin on December 12th, Medianoche talked to Doc to cancel all further appearances with Wasabassco on 12/2. She did this in person. We know now from communications gathered via subpoena that Medianoche was in contact with Dave, the owner, about her making a public statement about no longer dancing with Wasabassco. I still have no idea why the fuck she “needed” to make any public proclamations. From her public statement though- I assume tons of messages were sent to her for the tea, but I was forwarded one in particular where she repeats the claim that she believed a producer had assaulted a performer. It’s reasonable to think that she repeated the claim as many times as she was asked why, considering that she was not in any way friends with the person she communicated with (the message that was forwarded to me).  

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/enz4sl25jly38fx/AAC6d_dXWvhOEgdnjxvDVC4ya?dl=0

LINKS TO MESSAGES BETWEEN  MEDIANOCHE and  DAVE 

I watched people across the country celebrate my losses online. 

I watched as people I had once adored become complicit. 

I watched people lie about me online. 

I was forwarded messages of performers spreading lies about me and talking about me out of turn like they knew me or about who I am in any way. 

I experienced flat out disrespect and coldness from patrons and performers at my own shows and while traveling.

I received hate emails. 

So to try to protect what little insanity I had left- I made most of the NYC scene unfollow me and many I chose to block. Some of the performers that I thought were friends that I was vulnerable with, went and gossipped to the defendants and others in the industry about me- so I had to cut them out of my life. Seeing pictures and clips of performers carefree deeply depressed me. I met with the demon of jealousy at night, trying to make peace with her- I had never met her like this, fully formed and oppressive. Just seeing burlesque, this art that I loved with my whole heart online in any form- had me feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest. 

I sat in a burning field of associations and friendships. Everyday there is a new fire. A new arrow flies into the field attacking my personality and nature. For months and months and months. And then years. Cocktails of medications for anxiety and insomnia swirl in my blood from that winter in 2018 until 2020 in order to close my eyes shut at night. I did not re-learn to sleep until 2021. I struggle with it still. My physical health went to utter shit- costing thousands to repair. This is the kind of stuff that takes up most of your thoughts for 110% of your day. You communicate through a shroud of trauma. It eats at you and causes hair loss. 

They don’t deserve my forgiveness. This has severely impacted my life and my ability to trust people ever. To feel safe. To be vulnerable. To make friends in this industry or in general. I was told I am “unsafe” because I “sue people”. I am merely defending myself and my life. I have struggled deeply to have compassion for the people involved in all of this, though I admit I am not quite there yet. I’ve accepted that I may not ever get there. Sitting in a vessel of trauma I learn of other people’s traumas gathered through lies and betrayal. It’s more people than you think. I don’t think their various abusers deserve forgiveness either. 

I’ve spent a lot of time devastated and so very very angry. I am on intimate terms with the demons of disappointment and fear. I’ve had plenty of time to think, and have conversations, especially with my performance schedule and bank account decimated by these events. I have barely been able to create and haven’t been able to create a new act for years due to mental blocks of “what’s the point of even trying”- and also deep financial blocks. It was extremely hard to keep up with the minor occurrences in my life, like basic bookkeeping and trying to stay on my creation schedule for my digital work which at least brought me some income. 

When I think about where my career was headed prior to this situation and where it could have gone I am hit with horrifying feelings of despair. Potential lost. Faith lost. The will to persevere struggling against this internalized feeling of oppression. Trying to hold these feelings up and away from seeping through every part of my life becomes a full time activity. I become obsessed with trying to find the magic bullet to my healing. 

I’ve meditated and tried to deeply understand people who act out of pain, past trauma, jealousy, mob mentality or anger instead of communication and discernment. I watch it happen over and over again online and in the news. These stories re-trigger my trauma over and over again, wondering if anyone will ever believe me. 

And in all of this- every day I agonize over WHY Evelyn chose to lie. And then why did they choose to evade- though looking at it,  the evasion makes sense- when you get caught in a lie as big as this- how does one get out when you’ve already laid waste to at least a half a dozen people’s everyday lives and businesses? Evelyn was offered representation by the same lawyers as Medianoche, Boo and Dolly- it is rumored that their bills were covered by a benefactor. So the question of cost here is moot if that is the case. We also know that Evelyn was in contact with another lawyer (friend) during this time, as we subpoenaed those conversations as well. Even after that, Evelyn chose to hide. 

I still have so many questions I will never have answered by Evelyn: 

If there was an assault, why did you communicate with me almost immediately after our first sexual encounter (when we both got to our homes from the hotel) and for hours? Why did we exchange dozens upon dozens of text messages throughout that day? 

Why didn’t you wake up Dolly if I was hurting you- she was in the giant bed sleeping in the corner. 

And then why did you communicate with your husband Jordan (who contacted me) that the encounter was a very positive one, leading Jordan to reach out to me in congratulations and encouragement to continue the association? 

I wonder if you think you went too far in your lie- saying that I had “claws” that scratched you and hurt you considering that the photos from that night prove that I didn’t have ANY nails at that time? Did you remember after you told this lie that you fucked up? Is that why you ran from being served? 

Why would you then perform in acts with me, even coming to my home to rehearse? 

Why did you recommend me to perform with you in Bermuda after our initial sexual encounter if it was an assault? (NYE 2014)

Why did you agree to hang out in your room while in Bermuda where we had sex again? 

If something had happened why did your husband Jordan yet again contact me in positive ways after you had sent him a picture of us in bed in Bermuda? Why did you continue to hang out with me in Bermuda? 

Why did you continue to interact with me online and even flirt online for a long time after our initial sexual encounter? 

Why was I invited to your going away party? 

Why then did we share a bed again in Nashville in 2015 (no sexual contact happened whatsoever) if you felt unsafe? All you would have had to do is request to share a different bed? 

Why did you continue to travel to NYC to perform in Wasabassco shows when they could easily be booked elsewhere In the city? 

Why then did you continue to be in contact with me after you first moved to Nashville? 

Why did they continue to be on my friends list and interacting with my posts until I blocked you in 2018? 

I think that when people seek to destroy you predicated on a falsehood you have two options, skulk away and hope it doesn’t completely annihilate you- hoping that people will somehow believe you in this current climate (people begged me to do this), or you hold them accountable in ways equal to their damage. I ultimately chose a lawsuit, because they ignored cease and desists and ultimately this is about my livelihood, my legacy and my brand. 

For what it’s worth- it was never about the money- though I had definitely lost so much. I merely wanted apologies (and still do, honestly it’s all that I want. Acknowledgment that you fucked up). There are consequences to their behavior- and it was legal action. Looking back I don’t think it really affected them much beyond the initial shock of being served. 

I am deeply sensitive, which is part of why this situation has rocked my life so hard. I feel everything so much. My heart is gentle until you decide to come for my integrity and what I love- which is being an entertainer and creating shows that people can step away from their everyday lives and be immersed in the magic of live entertainment. I really fucking cared about these people, and I have had to come to terms with them never having cared about me. 

I want to make it clear: I did try “cease and desist” letters first. They did not stop acting out against me. Only Dolly replied to the cease and desist, but Boo and Evelyn chose to ignore. At the time they were sent I knew Medianoche was involved but didn’t have proof…yet. 

During the beginning of the  lawsuit- multiple people from all sides of the matter told me to drop this suit. I found this demand insulting. To me- It felt as if all these people around me thought this allegation and the actions of these people were not serious, as if ultimately ‘walking away” would somehow wave a magic wand over the damage that was done. It was laughable. I was not and am not guilty of sexual assault so there was no way in hell that I was going to simply walk away so they could continue to fuck with my life. But my life in NYC was already fucked. In fact, shortly after the beginning of 2019 they launched a countersuit claiming theft and harassment by both myself and my associates in hopes that it would pressure me to drop the case all together.  

Even after all of this, I am deeply aware that in telling my truth that this doesn’t just wave a magic eraser over the situation. There are people to which I will never speak again. There are plenty of people I never want to see again in any capacity. There are talented people I wouldn’t even dare to talk to again because of their relationship to the defendants. There are people who think “believe the victim” is always ALWAYS right. I hate to report that this is not true if the “victim” is actually the perpetrator of harm. There are bad faith actors in this world. There are venues I will never feel welcome inside of. A whole city that represents trauma to me. There are people near and far- people who have never had more than a 2 minute conversation with me at a festival- and sometimes people who have never even met me at all- whose complicity and making themselves involved caused more difficulty and trauma in the whole situation. 

I still feel really isolated. I’m grateful for the people in my life who try to assist in alleviating that feeling. I often feel wary and unsafe at shows interacting with people and I’m still dealing now with a deeper mistrust of people than I’ve ever known before.

There was a period of time in which I existed in anguish with the knowledge that there are people I once interacted with that willingly think ridiculous and horrible things about me. I’ve had to remain quiet while the lies and rumors about me swirled around the industry I really cared about. Every contribution I had made in the industry was purposely forgotten or written over in the name of “Feminism” and “activism”. This was not that. It was a lynching. 

I am right now recalling when I went to Duane Park to watch a friend perform (none of the defendants were present, this was assured- and it was not my idea to go) it came to me later that a performer there said that they “felt unsafe” in my presence, a performer who at this show exchanged pleasantries with me- with witnesses. A performer that I had booked for the past few years that I admired and had shown nothing but my admiration for. 

Rumors cause intense, excruciating pain. 

And still… I have to remember  that I am a 6’2 black woman covered in tattoos and is a naked lady for a living so this is literally par for the course. I’m not safe anywhere. Burlesque LOVES to gossip (because they don’t know how dangerous that is, and so many of you are so very bored). Entertainment is not a path for the fainthearted, I get that. But this situation almost killed me. Literally. Parts of me have died during this situation and I am working on rebirth. And for a while I really was feeling so very weak. This situation has made a warrior out of me, even though there are days where I still do not feel even remotely okay with what has happened or its long ranging effects. Those days are fewer now, but it has taken YEARS. 

I would tell you the toll that this has had on my mental health, being lied about- an atrocious lie, and being gaslighted by your peers into believing that you’ve done anything wrong beyond having sex with a person that was excited about you too. I would tell you about what a lie like this can do to your feelings of sexual agency onstage AND off, and your ability to feel authentically seen by your “community” but honestly, I’m still working on processing that. I tried group therapy (to learn to trust people again) but my situation was so wild the members of the group would often just sit there incredulous at how people were so willing to just shit on me and stomp on my remains without talking to me. I’d also like to say that having people admit their own fuckery to me as a way to commiserate was deeply traumatic because I have never assaulted anyone but now I am aware of so much more abuse than I ever fucking want to know about. Your guilt is not mine. 

Perhaps I was misguided for having sex with a peer. If so- how many of us are misguided? After all- I was a producer/organizer of shows and they were not in the same role as I was. It was wild to watch people treat Evelyn as if they were preyed upon by an older, more powerful force, as if Evelyn was a child- which isn’t the case- they are an adult and actually the same age as I. 

Was power given to me? Perhaps- but it certainly wasn’t real power- it was the power of instagram numbers, awards won, and Top 50 placements. It was the power people give you for taking on the task of producing shows. And when they want the gig I guess that’s “power”. For what it’s worth I just wanted to be a normal woman that puts on entertaining and professionally run shows for people, because I have the skill sets that make that possible. 

But let me be more explicit: I do not and have not ever muscled people into sleeping with me through this “power” some of you have said that I hold, I am merely who I am and seek to be a fully embodied, beautiful, powerful and talented version of myself. If you knew me, you’d know that I rarely ever make moves, I wait for an invitation- and really the invitation has to be repeated. Being a Black woman in this world, being covered with stereotypes- I have spent a lifetime feeling like I walk on thin glass- try to stand tall but never shine too bright. Despite these poisonous arrows society hurls at Black women, I try to walk on this earth to honor the power in myself and the power of others- knowing that both can be held simultaneously. 

Perhaps I made the mistake of thinking we both had agency. My agency was removed by others because I am a Black producer. Why couldn’t I be a woman that can reciprocate when interest is strongly indicated from someone I’m attracted to? Who gets to reciprocate flirtation and interest? I believe in agency and authority over our own bodies and minds. It’s what I’ve always talked about privately and publicly for anyone who is listening. 

I see and feel the racist implications of being told that I am “powerful” and “ intimidating”. I see it. I’ve heard it from SO MANY OF YOU. I’ve heard this since I hit 6’1” in middle school. Just because I exist in this body, and have striking features. It cuts me. A thousand paper cuts as I read various texts and messages gathered through subpoena or sent to me in screenshot. It has taken years to understand that my being seen as intimidating to YOU is YOUR problem, not mine. I never seek to intimidate or be unkind. I am actually the opposite, if you’ve ever really met me or gotten over your fear of speaking to me. If my personal power bothers you by my merely existing- level up. 

I cannot shrink without dying- and that is what I feel so many have insisted I do during this process. Go away. Step down. Roll over and die. Give up the thing that I love. Stop doing the thing that I’m great at. Allow people to steal my legacy and write over the work I’ve done in the name of “feminism” and “believing the victim” when they are the ones perpetuating deep harm, when their lies have assaulted my life. 

And regardless of the power I “have” or “had” it will never amount to the power that white people will use to inflict pain on you if they want you out of the picture. Especially when one of those women had been ranked number one in the world by our peers. She brandished that power like a poisonous sword during this entire situation, coupled with performative posts about listening to Black women and BIPOC. The others preened online about how feminist they are and how they champion BIPOC in their productions. The virtue signals alone were absolutely bonkers while they trashed my life- online and off. How on earth do I contend with that? How do I contend with the facade of social media?  How do I try to talk about what happened to me with a sea of people who are questionable at discernment on the daily and struggle to uphold their anti-racist and feminist sentiments that they scream online? How do I do this when my accounts were constantly flagged and attacked, causing me to lose my earning potential with over 28K followers? How do I fight the algorithm of whiteness? 

Dating or hooking up in this industry is something that happens for so many of us. Please remember before you scream into the internet void about this- many of you are also in glass houses. This scene is full of sex. This industry is built on sex, sexuality and the illusion all of us existing happily in this dying patriarchy. Have you been to afterparties at various shows and festivals?? I can’t even count the number of propositions I’ve witnessed in my 17 year career. There are groups and text threads about hooking up at these places. People facebook about their makeout parties and hookups. More performers than you’ll ever know are having good ol’ times that you will never know about. So many are actually coupled. You all think it’s a good time- and it is. There is incredible beauty to be experienced in being in a relationship with a fellow performer. I have witnessed so much of this behavior at these events, and you have too. I don’t know many that haven’t hooked up or made out with a peer after a show, or have created lasting relationships as a result of being in the same artform. It’s a very real and sticky part of the artform, and weaponizing it to attack me is ludicrous and in a lot of ways racist as hell. 

Enacting “justice” based on allegations is misguided, dangerous and cruel. There needs to be a better way. In these years of going through this- I still do not know what the better way is. These people and their friends went out of their way to cause harm, and succeeded in ways that are like a butterfly effect. 

I have been silent for 4 years of my life. In all the ways I’ve wanted to share my realizations about humanity, and my support for friends experiencing trauma, I’ve had to be silent because during lawsuits your words will be used against you. Even now my words will likely be used against me. But I need to speak. My side matters. I matter. I am aware now that people will be sharpening their swords as they read this.

And I will not endure that any longer. I love what I do too much and I’m proud of the things I have created and written over the years. Besides my family and close friends- performing and teaching is what keeps me lit up inside. And I’m pretty good at it. I’m a solid performer, an engaged teacher and a great producer. I try my best to run a good show. If you were booked by me, you know this. I hype up my entertainers backstage and when I’m on the mic.  I appreciate their contributions to my productions. I’m a person that tries to be fair to people, even when I know that they may not like or respect me. I refused to just “step down” as Medianoche insisted I do. I was shot down. I live and breathe performing and being naked- and in some ways now it is a more defiant act than ever. 

I know that there have been a handful of other lawsuits in this industry. I do not know the ins and outs of each one, but I know the details of mine and I feel justified if not frustrated that I felt backed into a corner to choose this difficult path that comes with many assumptions about you or your motivations. My lawsuit isn’t any other lawsuit. I simply sought the truth where people would not communicate with me or listen to me- but were willing to take actions against me. 

I worked 17 years to create a solid career as a performer. I built my career (especially my early career) in a mostly white industry. I’ve fought for every space I’ve been in with hard work and kindness, thinking that could be enough to keep me there. I’ve had to make choices to work with complicated people for my entire career. This particular artform is full of complicated personalities. I’ve worked hard, studied hard and tried my best to have integrity inside an artform that is joyous and sometimes fickle and cruel. I learned to produce a good show from incredible pillars of industry in Seattle, DC and NYC respectively, knowing the better your shows are, unfortunately the more dislike you will get from the peers you are not booking for whatever reason. I’ve watched bitter performers whining about not being booked by various producers. I’ve endured my booking practices being lied about by people who literally do not know me or actively hate me. I’ve watched the public hazing of performers ie: “Burn your idols” and nasty arguments that do nothing but hurt people. 

To gain what they wanted- these people twisted and weaponized Evelyn Vinyl’s lie to take me down. Perhaps they didn’t understand how much damage something like this could do- and  I find this particularly deplorable. Their unwillingness to discuss this through mediators and lawyers as well- I find absolutely cowardly and inexcusable. I have no idea Evelyn’s true motivations. But I consider Evelyn an arsonist. I have many theories as to why someone would lie about assault but all I know is that it lacks moral fiber and I would argue it is subhuman, screams of being unwell and is composed of malice. Some people love to be an arsonist, love to set fires and run away when the flames are licking back in their direction. 

Evelyn Vinyl/Lauren Sison is the originator of the story. What made them change their story, I will never truly know. What they said was taken and weaponized by opportunistic white people that clearly did not care about who or what was affected. People with no integrity. People don’t have to communicate if they don’t want to- however the consequences of that may be worse than if they would just have awkward conversations. People will take your lies or your trauma (it makes no difference to these people) and repackage it for their purposes. Once your lie leaves your lips you have no control on how others may choose to use it. 

I would never intentionally cause harm to any person, especially during a sexual encounter. It’s not in my personality and not on the spectrum of my private sexual proclivities. And if someone were to tell me during or after a sexual encounter that something was wrong I would hold myself accountable for the actions I had done and make any adjustments and acknowledgements and/or apologies to fix it. I am not an aggressive human. I am furious however that I feel the need to type that, but because I am a 6’2” black woman, that’s become necessary I guess. I believe in listening to your partners full stop. I know what it’s like to not be listened to. To be accused of intentionally causing harm is an affront to EVERYTHING I stand for as a human, a woman and a sex worker. 

These people used the #metoo movement in a dangerous way to reach their aim. In the beginning, when this first happened- our culture was riled up at a fever pitch. And it needed to be- the normalcy of sexual assault and trauma in our culture is a plague and the root of so many of our collective issues. They knew this too- and was repurposed with harmful intent. I was told by Medianoche that my side would not be believed. After all, “we believe women”. I still remember participating myself in this rhetoric online. And I still want to protect the victims of tragedies, I want to protect myself. 

And here, right now I’d like to remind you that I am a woman too. I’m not a big scary black monster, though this situation really did make all the racism jump out. I remember during my deposition in the Arizona lawsuit where it was insinuated that I used my size in our encounter. Sitting there calmly I had to remind Nina’s lawyer that Evelyn was a powerlifter- as a plea to have more than my size taken into consideration. He dropped that line of questioning thereafter. But it’s on the record.  I remember after the deposition was over I felt often like I did when I was growing up- people assigning weird amounts of maturity and aggressive traits due to my stature- I felt that familiar desire to shrink and be as small as possible so that maybe I could feel safe for just one minute. But shrinking does not allow for safety either. 

They used this story for their own means. Everyone did. Some to harm, others to feel important. These people knew exactly what they were doing, and many of their friends went along with it. Gleefully. It is dangerously easy to take down a Black woman in any industry. I am making that clear again right now because I think BIPOC performers need to ALWAYS keep this in mind. There are sadly, few true allies, despite their virtue signaling-  and I learned this in the most painful way. 

And this is complicated- I believe in the power of #metoo. I don’t know many of us that aren’t survivors. I am one too. Talking about false accusations makes me deeply uncomfortable because I don’t want my story to derail other movements or discourage actual victims from coming forward. The people in my situation lied- period. It is rare but not uncommon- period. Most people are telling the truth and supporting those who come forward *is* important. I know also now acutely that it *can* be dangerous and that needs to be talked about. I also believe in discernment. I believe in communication and hard conversations. 

Oh let’s talk about THAT FUCKING NY POST ARTICLE.

My suit was covered by a vulture reporter from the NY Post. Last I checked- It is currently the 2nd ranked on my google search. It is horrifying. The Post apparently finds these cases from small blogs or trolling the legal filing system. I was warned that the Post likes these kinds of cases so I prayed they would miss my case. After all- we are small potatoes in the entertainment industry- often ignored save for sensational movies like Burlesque. We filed in the middle of the night- at 3am. After she contacted my lawyers, I considered options to stop her from writing about it. I was emailed, called and even texted for comment- and those I did not answer. I do wonder who gave her my number. And to that person- you’re actually disgusting. I didn’t want to be the subject of a trash article in a trash paper. I didn’t want any of us in that paper. Later I learned that Medianoche claimed that I had doxxed her due to her name being used in the article. I found this out from a person looking to have me join their business calling me to find out if I had doxxed her or anyone else. 

However- I did end up approving the photo because I would be damned if they found some racist depiction of me to run with. That Post article cost me work and opportunities. That article is a racist caricature of a Black woman and part of the decimation of my performance career. My appearance and sexuality were weaponized to spread the story to those who’ve never even met me or truly interacted with me. Millions of people have access to that article. It was an invitation for people to comment on their ugly projections of who I am as a human on this planet. They did not disappoint. 

Please tell me how that can be fixed. Please tell me how a person recovers from that. 

AFTERMATH: 

I now live in California. I moved here in January of 2020, missing the horrible brunt of covid in NYC. I spent lockdown healing and walking sometimes 8 miles in a day as a sort of meditation while I watched performers mourn the loss of their ability to be on stage- something I was advanced in relating to. I leaned into my astrological studies, taking up a more serious study. Sunshine and ocean waves have been working their healing powers on me. Throughout this whole ordeal I struggled to make online sex work work for me since it’s been the only way I could make income while doing tremendous amounts of inner work to try to heal. I have a very small group of humans around me, near and far who show me love and allow me to feel safe when I am vulnerable.

I’ve been trying to build back up my online accounts after they were attacked and taken down in 2020. I’ve lost 3 IG accounts now. I strongly believe that one was due to Medianoche specifically, based on the report of an anonymous account. Wild. I honestly don’t know if it’s worth it to rebuild. I cannot stress enough how instagram has this industry in a chokehold, and how easy it is to harm someone’s business by mass reporting.

I want to work with good people. I’ve slowly and gratefully had the opportunities to do so in 2022. And it’s been somewhat rejuvenating to my creative soul. I still have rough days and nights. I still have to take stuff to sleep a lot of nights. I am contemplating whether I want to return to my love of producing-  and whether it’s a real possibility for me, or whether I can be okay navigating the drama of it all. And I hope that despite telling my story that I’m offered the opportunity to work with people who want to share the experience of entertaining people with me. I hope I’m not as alone as I’ve come to believe. 

I still want to perform in burlesque in every capacity that I was before. I miss it so much. I’ve loved getting to experience different stages all over the world- those moments have meant the world to me. 

I work every day to appreciate the beauty in my life, because there’s so much of it. I know I have more healing to do and hope that in speaking my peace that another level of healing is possible for me so that I can further work to reach my potential as a human on this hard earth. I have no desire to forgive, and I’m fairly certain that level of healing is outside of my evolutionary reach in this lifetime. 

ADVICE IN THESE STRANGE TIMES

My advice to anyone reading this is if you hear something troubling about someone- talk to them before trying to destroy them or elevate them. Do not inject yourself into a situation you aren’t actually a part of. Also in instances of actual harm done I want to suggest things like exploring restorative justice. Maybe it will be appropriate- maybe not. COMMUNICATE in ways that involve all parties in responsible ways. Be objective. Recognize your own traumas. Try your best to be in integrity. If you can’t act in integrity don’t act at all. Consider the lives being affected. Consider the butterfly effect. Weigh the consequences when you spread information you don’t have receipts for and always question your motives and the motives of others. 

People will in fact show you exactly who they are to you through horrible situations. And it will absolutely break your heart. You’ll have to rebuild, even if you don’t want to, even if you’re in the right. You will feel like you are going crazy. You may even go crazy for some time. This is the process. You may even be tempted to want to leave this planet. Never be surprised when many people simply retreat until the smoke has cleared. Many will never come back. They aren’t for you.

It feels really, really REALLY excruciatingly painful to have these things happen. It is EXCRUCIATING being the elephant in the room. Touching insanity with every lie about you coming across your table. To lose so many people.  It is PAINFUL to have people who were once kind behave in cruel ways at gigs. It is so very painful to not be able to defend yourself online for FOUR YEARS as you wait for your lawyer to do what is needed. Holding your tongue and crying on your couch for months while your concerned friends and partners witness is a level of hell I can’t even express.

I still love burlesque. Maybe that’s a huge part of why I have written this. I have loved being an entertainer, producer and an instructor. I love being naked. I love spreading joy from a stage or a studio. 

This world is not fair or kind. There are so many injustices done to good people everyday. There seems to be little rhyme or reason. But we must endure it in order to live- it is what you make of it. Decide how you want to show up and then hold yourself accountable. I have chosen to be radically soft and loving even though this does not feel safe. In standing up for myself I’ve found that I still have felt unsafe. By no means am I  perfect, but I hope that my honesty and courage in communication will cause the universe to acknowledge me with some grace. 

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’’ -Eleanor Roosevelt